I believe in the power of being alone. Learning how to conquer loneliness is one of the hardest things to overcome, in my opinion. Whether I’m sitting by myself in my room, or standing alone in a crowd of people I don’t know, loneliness hits a deeper part of my heart. I’m an only child, so people may expect me to be more adapt to being alone. But in reality, I feel as if it made me depend on people even more. All my life, I have felt the need to have someone by my side to do things, to go places, to be happy.
Sadly, I had to realize this just recently. I was in a relationship essentially all of my high school career, always depending on this guy to make me happy and to be there for me. After countless fighting and trust issues, I finally understood that it was not worth it, so I ended it before my second half of senior year started. The first few weeks, I was perfectly fine, and I finally took time to be with my friends and enjoy my last few months of high school. But early that spring, another guy came around, and I became so incredibly dependent on him to make me happy. I look back on it now and have some regret. Because now it’s over, and I feel so alone in a town that I have trouble calling home now. Everyone went off to different universities, and I stayed to attend the local college. They’re finally finding who they really are, meeting new people, and are learning the importance of being independent. Why didn’t I leave? Well, I felt like I shouldn’t leave home just yet, I wasn’t ready to go. Now as I sit here and write this in a coffee shop on Main Street, I look around and realize that I am not fully happy here. The atmosphere all around just isn’t for me at this point in my life. How could the place that I grew up in not feel like home anymore? It terrifies me, feeling like I made the wrong choice and not being brave enough to go somewhere new and do something for myself. I confined myself from my friends and family, I stopped eating and lost a lot of weight that I couldn’t afford to lose. Eventually, I had harmful, miserable thoughts that tugged at my mind relentlessly.
I realized that I needed to let the loneliness help me grow, not restrict me from making myself happier. This all had to start with being more productive with my life, and to not put things off just because I have to do them by myself. I also needed to focus on who I am as a person and the little things in life that make me content, without other people supplying it. Inevitably, it also included paying more attention to my mental health, and getting help to fight the depression that had formed.
There have been times where I have not been self-assured in who I am without others around me. I was so full of people, I needed to breathe some emptiness in so I could feel myself again. I now do not feel the need to rely on people to help my happiness, which has made me more confident. The vacant feeling in my heart finally left. Loneliness will come and go as time ticks on, but I know I’m ready to take on the next challenge in my life, by myself.
i need a touch of madness; 